Christin's Behind-the-Scenes Sunday 🎥: Aloka Vihara Retreat Reflections
Aloka Vihara Retreat: Brief Reflections
Dear Ones,
I came back from Aloka Vihara yesterday. If my last retreat at Insight Retreat Center was themed around fear/fearlessness, this retreat is one of love/compassion.
The nuns at Aloka Vihara, and the sincere practitioners who either reside long-term or are here for a week’s stay like me, have given me fresh perspectives on the practice.
I told Ayya Anandabodhi that I saw my past as a distraction. It’s all about the present moment, right? Didn’t the Buddha not really dwell on the past?
But now I see that the Buddha did technically go through the past—in fact, he saw the thousands of lifetimes he went through, before his current one. Some were good, and some were traumatic.
So the least I can do is review my current lifetime. As I’m spending this week on the Sati Center chaplaincy application, I’ll disclose more about my past. All the ways in which a young-me had to raise herself and survive the chaos. There was no choice but to shut down all emotions and just work my way through the bullying, loneliness, and threats against her life.
All this came a cost: my empathy for myself and for others are caged in, next to the unexpressed darkness.
And seeing that this goes back generations. There is a Buddhist chant that takes from the scriptures:
I am the owner of my kamma (karma in Pali), the heir of my kamma; I have kamma as my origin, kamma as my relative, kamma as my resort; I will be the heir of whatever kamma, good or bad, that I do.
I’ve known these texts for a while but Ayya Anandabodhi shared this insight that landed on her hard, after chanting these sentences for years: the kamma we are speaking of here is only our own, but those who raised us. They imprint their kamma onto us too.
As I sit these days, tears flow when I connect my current mind distractions to ancestral cries. Seeing the connections, how my previous attempts at severing them have hindered rather than helped. Allowing them to surface and listening to them, thanking my past self for doing so well despite the circumstances. Seeing new angles about those around me, feeling new levels of compassion and understanding.
After the tissues are used up, the mind is still again. This time, genuinely still, and not that whack-a-mole mind game I played to force it to be still. It’s all temporary, but the effort feels more skillful than before.
So bear with me as I tend to my heart, so I can serve more space for yours.
Warm Wishes,
Christin
We've come a long way to be here! Glad to have you on this path Christin :)
Thank you for sharing, Christin!